“Now to what can I compare the people of this day? They are like children playing in the market place. One group tells the other, ‘We played wedding music for you, but you would not dance! We sang funeral songs, but you would not cry!’” Mt 11, 16-17
“What do you think? What will a man do who has hundred sheep and one of them gets lost? He will leave the other ninety-nine grazing on the hillside and go to look for the lost sheep. When he finds it, I tell you, he feels far happier over this one sheep than over the ninety-nine. In just the same way your Father in heaven does not want any one of these little ones to be lost.” Mt 18, 12-14
It would be relatively easy to be a leader, if people in general were grownups. The sad fact is that most people remain immature and act like children in many ways. Every person has in him a “child” personality which makes him dependent on others. The child personality is important for us in as far as it helps us to be spontaneous, joyful and sincere. In this respect we all should remain like children (Mt 18, 3). But often the child personality gets deformed and turns into an exaggerated need for support from others. There are many so called grown-ups who still feel the psychological need of being nursed by a mother or carried by a father.
In order to obtain the attention and caresses which they feel they need, immature persons will consciously or unconsciously resort to psychological tricks. They will work out some situations in which another person is willy-nilly forced to become a parent to them. Psychologists call this “playing a game”. To understand people who play games, we have to pay close attention not only to the transactions going on for everybody to see, but especially to the motivations that drive those people interiorly. Below the surface there is a “pay-off” which the person really wants.
Many so-called pious people criticised Jesus saying: “Look at this man! He is a glutton and wine-drinker, and is a friend of tax collectors and outcasts!” (Mt 11,19). But they had criticised John the Baptist for just the opposite reason: “This man fasts and drinks no wine. He is a madman!” (Mt 11,18). Superficially such people might seen serious critics who raise objections about mistakes in religious leaders. But seeing that they make such opposite criticisms, we begin to suspect that the contents of their words matter little. What matters for them is that they have something to criticise. By their criticism they are fulfilling a psychological need. Being deeply insecure and dependent themselves, they get some inner reassurance from having been able to censure another person. Psychologists call this the game of “blemish”. Jesus meant the same when He said they were acting like uncooperative children (Mt 11,16-17).
One game of immature people is “Kick me”. It is played by people who feel the need of the special attention of a parent figure. Having learned by experience that they don’t get this attention when they are nice, they try to get it by being provocative. An example in the gospel is the man without the wedding dress (Mt 22,11-14). Every person in his senses knew that this kind of negligence was sure to arouse the indignation of the host. The five foolish virgins who failed to bring oil with their lamps, belong to the same category (Mt 25,7-11). People often know that they are getting into trouble, that they are heading for a clash. Yet they don’t take the obvious measures by which they could avoid such conflicts. They cause headaches to their leaders because they are children who want to be kicked.
Another game frequently played by people has received the technical name of “Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch”. Some people with an inferiority complex seek compensation in lashing out with fury at any weakness they may discover in another person. They may seem quite obedient subjects, but when their leader makes a small mistake, they turn on him with acrid denunciations. Judas did this to our Lord. When Mary of Bethany had anointed his feet, Judas accused her of having wasted precious material that could have been sold and given to the poor (Jn 12,4-6). Such people, waiting for an opportunity to catch you out, as the scribes and priests watched Jesus (Lk 20,19-20), make life very difficult for their leaders.
Then there are the people who seek affection in other ways. They play games such as “Pity me” or “Look how hard I’ve tried”. They attempt to elicit sympathy and understanding by undergoing failure and suffering. We hear a trace of this in Martha’s complaint when she said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all work by myself?” (Lk 10,40). At times every human feels the need of commiseration. But when a person is constantly angling for pity and compassion, he becomes a cross for his companions and superiors .
Thanks be to God, not everybody plays children’s games. But the reality remains that some people do. One unbalanced person of this kind can create more trouble to a leader than ninety-nine others entrusted to his care. Yet, also this erring sheep has to be looked after. The leader has to look for it “until he finds it” (Lk 15,4). Even difficult people belong to his care and deserve to be “put on his shoulders and carried home” (Lk 15,5-6). It is the shepherd’s duty to rescue, to protect, to feed, to bind up the crippled and heal the wounded (Ez 34,11-l6).
No one likes to be a nurse-maid, but it will surely be demanded from leaders from time to time. St. Paul speaks about this in his letters. “I could not talk to you as I talk to men who have the spirit. I had to talk to you as men of this world, as children in the christian faith. I had to feed you milk, not solid food, because you were not ready for it” (1 Cor 3,1-2). “Do not be like children in your thinking, brothers. Be children so far as a evil is concerned, but be mature in your thinking” (1 Cor 14,20). “Instead of eating solid food, you still have to drink milk. Any one who has to drink milk is still a child, without any experience in the matter of right and wrong. Solid food, on the other hand, is for adults, who have trained and used their taste to know the difference between good and evil” (Heb 5,13-14). “We were gentle when we were with you, as gentle as a mother nursing her children” (1 Thes 2,7).
It is easy to break a coconut, but afterwards no tree will grow from it. The apostles wanted to call down fire on the Samaritan village that did not receive Jesus. Jesus rebuked them : “You do not know what manner of spirit you are of. For the Son of Man came not to destroy men’s lives, but to save them” (Lk 9,55). When people are playing children’s games, a leader may feel tempted to crush the opposition he senses in it. Wisdom of life and a grain of psychology are much more helpful. Remembering that many, in spite of all their parading as grown-ups are children at heart, a good leader will give them the special attention and care and patience they need. Is this not what Jesus meant when He said “Whoever receive one such child in my name receives Me” (Mt 18,5)? and: “Whoever wants to be the greatest among you, must be like a servant”. (Mt 20,26)?